Talking to religious kids about pedophilia….
David Morris in Beit Shemesh, Israel, writes a blog “tzedek-tzedek” in which he discusses social problems affecting Israeli society, most particularly the religious community. His is one of the few blogs that I read. Not because it is light and happy, but because he sheds light where very, very few are willing to do so, and does it skillfully and with class.
In his posting http://tzedek-tzedek.blogspot.com/2009/11/will-motti-borgers-suicide-make-any.html, he discusses the recent suicide of a religious man who had been a victim of child sexual abuse. It is a somber wake up call.
But for me, it is also yet another disturbing reminder that I have access in person and on line to Torah classes on every imaginable subject. Yet there doesn’t seem to be ANY guidebook on how to speak to religious children about pedophilia.
Why should it be any different for someone who is Orthodox than for anyone else? Well, I would imagine it isn’t easy for any parent, and that there is a dirth of good information out there period.
But we do have some additional challenges. My children have very successfully internalized the concept of avoiding lashon hara – hateful speech. This means that they really are loathe to speak ill of someone else. EVEN WHEN IT IS TRUE. This is an obvious obstacle.
They also are taught to respect their elders, their authority figures, and adults in the community in general. So, if G-d forbid a trusted adult should do something that violates them in any way, I fear that they will believe what they are told by such a person, “respecting them” and buying the lies that pedophiles are known for telling.
So… that brings me back to my point. What works? I have tried so far to relate this subject to other examples of “mitigating circumstances” and the “exceptions to every rule” that exist in Judaism. There are times when we MUST say lashon hara. There are times when we should NOT respect an adult – no matter what. This is very confusing and difficult for my yeshiva trained children. So, I think that one part of the puzzle is to repeat myself, and to remember that this topic, as uncomfortable as it is, cannot be raised once and then forgotten.
However, I read David Morris’ blog (I hope you will too,) and I am therefore reminded to raise the topic from time to time. I have already mentioned how little this topic seems to be raised in the frum world, so I wonder how easy it is out there to forget?
I would very much welcome any suggestions from my readers on things to say – and not say – on the subject.
Something I wish none of us needed any expertise in….
Another important article on this subject; http://www.app.com/article/20091128/NEWS/911280327/Orthodox-end-silence-on-sex-abuse
Thanks, Yana.
Hey – FYI the Rabbi made it clear (at least to me) it is NOT lashon hara (even if it’s voicing a suspicion) when it’s done in an appropriate manner. That is, not spreading rumors, but actually taking the issue through the right channels.
Thank you Immahlady for pointing this out. It is an important point. I think it is so important that we as the parents understand the distinctions better so that we can pass that along to our kids. If you have more details on how we could demonstrate talking about it in “an appropriate manner” as you describe it, I would love to hear them.
I find that in general there’s a deficiency in the way Lashon Hara is taught or understood, for both children and adults. There’s a great emphasis on what NOT to say and not enough time/emphasis on what and when one MUST say something negative. As a result many people are trying to be holier than thou and withhold crucial information from parties who have every right to have it – this happens left and right in shidduchim and I personally know of several marriages that had to business happening and resulting in quick divorces all because one of the spouses wasn’t given crucial information or was lied to by references.
Another thing, I find the not talking about pedophilia to children/giving frum parents proper guidance on how to talk to be a pattern alongside with not addressing drug usage in schools (among other things). I find that there’s this fear – if we talk about it, then kids will be curious and it will happen – not realizing that it is already happening and pretending that it’s not won’t make it go away.
In regards to teaching children, I think i’ll take the following approach – Mommy should be told EVERYTHING. If something is bothering you, someone had offended you or whatever matter big or small is weighing on you – the laws of Shmiras haloshon allow one to have a person to confide in to relieve the stress and ask for advice. And that person for my children should (hopefully) be their mother.
I like that approach, although I still think that knowing there are some things you HAVE to say is important. I encourage my kids to complain to me without using names, in order to get in the habit. But not for this. And I agree that there is a fear… that’s why I think parents need empowerment.
Thanks for weighing in.