Ima 2 Eight

Just read my comment on the post “Didn’t get it right this time… your thoughts are welcome…” below.

I recently posted on facebook the following: “Nobody warned me that being a drama queen was an inheritable trait.”

One of the children that prompted that statement (I have at least a few drama kings and queens) twisted his ankle on a jungle gym at school. It would appear that he either will never walk again, or has to be rushed to an emergency room (maybe several) and clearly cannot help himself to anything, unless he wants it, and then hopping seems to work just fine. It isn’t broken.

I thought I would make a brilliant move and borrow crutches. Everyone knows that crutches are tiring, and hurt, and really aren’t much fun. In fact, the person we borrowed them from, who had suffered a more significant injury, stopped using them after day one or two, because they were such a “pain”.

So, instead of telling said child that they are full of baloney, and to stop whining and start moving, I got the crutches. Sure that this would result in a miraculous recovery, and a return to our relative state of sanity.

I got it wrong. He LOVES the crutches… and still is maintaining that he may just never walk again. He told me excitedly how the whole school was talking to and about him. There are many people in this house who apparently have yet to grow tired of fetching everything for him.

Do I let it play itself out? Do I drag him (and that means the baby ) to the dr. so a trained professional can tell him he is fine?

For now, I plan to take the approach my dear husband and I adopt the most:

“This too shall pass….”

I have a 19 month old that makes me want to pull my hair out – if not worse – just about every day. It really has nothing to do with his personality; I recall having similar feelings with all of my 19-month olds.  Most of them weren’t very verbal, which is frustrating for them, and for me.  In some cases, nursing has also been a factor, and it certainly is one now.

It really isn’t his fault; my current baby nursed constantly as an infant. I coped by nursing and typing (as mentioned in an earlier post). Only now every time I sit at the computer it is construed as an invitation to nurse. And I sit at the computer a great deal of the day.

The truth is that he is active, curious, and has a very reasonable expectation that someone (meaning me) will play with and entertain him all day, and take care of the house, the other kids, the bills and work – all during his hour-long nap.

I blame myself and get quite harsh with the “ima guilt” over how little that interests me. I do drop everything and play with him — so that I can jump back to “getting things done”. It doesn’t help that I know that his proper development is the thing I am supposed to be “getting done.” I wish it did.

I dealt with this issue with each of my children, and I had one simple solution that worked every time. A mother’s helper. With so many little children so close in age it was easy to justify a second set of hands to give me a break now and again. This way, with frequency depending on the child, someone would take said toddler to the park, or play trains, or spend an hour over lunch, etc… and that someone didn’t have to be me.  This was not only great for my endless pursuit of doing too many things at once, but it allowed me a pause in the constant desire to pull out my hair – or worse.

My circumstances no longer make it as easy for me to justify the help.  I am going to have to see if delaying getting help with him will result in my needing help for me. In the meantime, I am resolving to do “work” as much as possible after he goes to sleep.  All of the rest of my work, i.e. taking care of my family, he will just have to do alongside me.

I  did some digging into whether there are other moms with 19 month olds that want to pull their hair out  — or worse.  And that is how I was reminded (I really did already know) that the terrible twos are just like everything else in the development of a child; “on a scale”. Every child comes to things in their own time. Including being infuriating. They don’t wake up on their second birthday being difficult… getting that way is a process that takes time; growing out of it unfortunately is too.

I did find it redeeming to read that time-outs are not too sophisticated for a child that a) understands verbal commands and b) is clearly defying them on purpose in order to test his/her parents. This is really nice to read, since we have been doing it anyway.

One other way I cope is to blog. While perhaps not even my friends will actually read through such a long posting, I have at least had the chance to record it.

I like newborns and elementary schoolers better than “difficult toddlers”, “terrible twos”, or whatever inappropriate label we want to give them.  It doesn’t mean I don’t love my child, of course. It means I have enough honesty to recognize that some phases work better for some of us than others. And who would have thought I would enjoy my preteen and my teenager more than a cute little toddler? I think that is something to feel good and proud about.

David Morris in Beit Shemesh, Israel, writes a blog “tzedek-tzedek” in which he discusses social problems affecting Israeli society, most particularly the religious community. His is one of the few blogs that I read. Not because it is light and happy, but because he sheds light where very, very few are willing to do so, and does it skillfully and with class.

In his posting http://tzedek-tzedek.blogspot.com/2009/11/will-motti-borgers-suicide-make-any.html, he discusses the recent suicide of a religious man who had been a victim of child sexual abuse. It is a somber wake up call.

But for me, it is also yet another disturbing reminder that I have access in person and on line to Torah classes on every imaginable subject. Yet there doesn’t seem to be ANY guidebook on how to speak to religious children about pedophilia.

Why should it be any different for someone who is Orthodox than for anyone else? Well, I would imagine it isn’t easy for any parent, and that there is a dirth of good information out there period.

But we do have some additional challenges. My children have very successfully internalized the concept of avoiding lashon hara – hateful speech. This means that they really are loathe to speak ill of someone else. EVEN WHEN IT IS TRUE. This is an obvious obstacle.

They also are taught to respect their elders, their authority figures, and adults in the community in general. So, if G-d forbid a trusted adult should do something that violates them in any way, I fear that they will believe what they are told by such a person, “respecting them” and buying the lies that pedophiles are known for telling.

So… that brings me back to my point. What works? I have tried so far to relate this subject to other examples of “mitigating circumstances” and the “exceptions to every rule” that exist in Judaism. There are times when we MUST say lashon hara. There are times when we should NOT respect an adult – no matter what. This is very confusing and difficult for my yeshiva trained children. So, I think that one part of the puzzle is to repeat myself, and to remember that this topic, as uncomfortable as it is, cannot be raised once and then forgotten.

However, I read David Morris’ blog (I hope you will too,) and I am therefore reminded to raise the topic from time to time. I have already mentioned how little this topic seems to be raised in the frum world, so I wonder how easy it is out there to forget?

I would very much welcome any suggestions from my readers on things to say – and not say – on the subject.

Something I wish none of us needed any expertise in….

While I should be doing lots of things other than blogging at the moment, I will use my son’s still frequent nursing as my rationale, and post a quick message. (Yes, I type and nurse at the same time. Sorry if that provides an unpleasant image to some readers. )

My sons ask me annually why certain religious jews do not celebrate Thanksgiving. I don’t have any great answers for them, which is probably why it is an annual inquiry.

This year my answer, in earnest, is that the Jewish people are blessed to celebrate Thanksgiving every day. I see my friends on facebook pausing to reflect on their blessing from Hashem. Which is great. But I also know that this is my obligation according to Halacha every single day. I am grateful that the United States is the kind of country that encourages everyone else to be conscious of our “brachot hashachar” for one day, and gives everyone a long weekend to feel grateful in the company of family and friends.

Prior to my (first) aliyah, I did not take Thanksgiving very seriously. I scoffed at most things American, and took a lot for granted. The truth is, I took almost everything in my life for granted. I was in my early twenties….

When I met my husband in Israel, I remember his rebuke that I should be happy and grateful to have Thanksgiving, to be an American, and to be blessed with a life of the freedoms that growing up in America afforded to me. Even as an expatriot, he pointed out to me how blessed as olim in Israel we were to have come from an American upbringing.

Since that year, I have come to appreciate Thanksgiving (and the freedoms in the United States) more and more. If we could bring the best (and only the best) of what America is built upon to Israel, the country would be much better for it.

I think that the foundation of Thanksgiving, or gratitude, is humility. As is most of Judaism. Knowing that everything we have, we do, and we struggle with are all gifts from our creator to help us learn, grow and improve can only lead to tremendous gratitude.

I hope that you are having a wonderful day of Thanksgiving and gratitude wherever you are, and that you are reading this after the holiday because you are too busy enjoying your blessings to read today.

If you haven’t signed up for a free trial at BrainPop.com, then I hope you are already a subscriber. There isn’t any other excuse. And now, while you need the kids to have something to do on their days off before the relatives come over to entertain them (and after you have cleaned the house of course), is the best time. Math, Science, Literature, you name it. They get to go on line, and learn stuff. And the “lessons” are really short and very interesting. Seriously, stop reading and go sign up right now. http://www.brainpop.com/store/trial_step1_new.weml

I really dislike most toys. I think they are a waste, don’t last, and very few have staying power. My kids use the trampoline more than every toy we own combined. And that is a lot of toys.

So I don’t recommend toys lightly. There are a few I love that just get used so often. For me, a toy is worth it if it can be used in more than one way by different children at different ages and with different personalities. Maybe that is the nature of my large family, but I don’t think so. You want toys to adapt to cousins, playdates, and of course, our children growing at a rate that is just far, far too fast.

All of this long-winded preamble is to let you know that the Aquadoodle Wall Mat is one of my all time favorites. Every house with a toddler should have one! It allows a child to write on the wall with water – the pens only take water – and then it dries, and we start over.

Mine is in the hallway just next to my kitchen, so my kids can be near me, engaged, creative — and leaving me alone to work at the same time.

There are several versions, some are girl-ish and some boy-ish…. neutral as possible is good since every kid large and small (including teenagers) cannot resist writing some “kosher grafitti” when given the chance. You probably will use it too.

For those of you in Israel, this is the best toy to ask for or bring, b/c it is FLAT, and can therefore fit quite easily in Bubbe’s suitcase.

You can find them in a lot of stores, but here is a link to the best price I have seen:

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2674835&CAWELAID=107533540

Order extra pens, so lots of kids can use it together.

No; I get no money or any other perks, this is just my recommendation. I didn’t buy mine at Toys R Us, FWIW.

I would love recommendations of your faves as well; cannot believe we are going to have to cram more stuff into this house come Chanukah time…

We bought a trampoline when we were outnumbered by active boys. That started many years ago, of course. We are now on our second one, a large, strong, serious and expensive piece of equipment with a sturdy net that has paid for itself in value and use so many times over we cannot count.

It is thanks to this trampoline that I have any furniture intact at all.

This evening my husband decided to jump with dear stepson. Male bonding at 9:00 pm in the November night chill.

I took off the one-year-old’s clothes, and diaper, to change him for bed. Then I stupidly went to ask the crazy, cold, jumping men to do something for me. And in that very brief moment a very naked baby got himself past my legs and out the door, across the back lawn and up the step ladder to the trampoline.

Well, both “men” brought him ON, of course.

So just when I thought I had just about seen it all with my children, my one year old was out in the freezing November night air, very naked, jumping on a trampoline with all of his might, with two men on it — and laughing out loud in glee.

All I could do was start laughing out loud along with him.

And no, I sadly do not have any pictures.

Yesterday was cold and rainy.  A terrible day to drag one’s self out to the grocery store. Even worse day to drag the 19 month old to the grocery store. At the end of my trip, I did what I usually am so very good about resisting. I succumbed to the Dunkin’ Donuts stationed in the exit.  I hate being a predictable victim to consumerism and impulse buying.  I cannot afford the calories of said coffee drink, and I could make one at home 20 minutes later for pennies on the dollar. So, usually I know better.

Yesterday was cold and rainy. And I was tired. And the baby had me at the end of my rope — a regular occurrence in the grocery store. So I did. I bought a frozen cappucinno. And it was good.

On top of my giving in to temptation, the baby grabbed it to drink some. And I didn’t stop him.  The sugar alone is terrible for him, the next time will be even harder for him to accept no, and the caffeine? Well, I am ensuring his stunted growth and lifelong resulting trauma from those sips. This is all what went through my mind, as I punished myself for not allowing him to throw a fit instead. I am the parent, and I should stop this terrible two’s behavior now. Who cares that I am tired? If I give in just until I get to the car, it will be fine…

…. not more than one minute later, 2/3 of said frozen cappuccino was all over his front – and on the pavement. So much for my money, so much for my sugar/caffeine fix.

… Now I was putting a baby soaked in frozen sticky liquid in the car – in the rain.

… Then groceries in the car – in the rain, to the sound of screaming, unhappy, sticky frozen cappuccino boy.

… Hence my calling it a “punishment”. Sometimes, G-d just wants me to learn the hard way.

…. But, you know I coped with the whole experience by drinking whatever was left of that frozen cappuccino the whole way home.

I bought my daughters new dresses for Rosh Hashanah today. The 4 year old’s dress comes with a matching doll dress. Her 9 and a half year old sister is jealous. A rare event that is the best thing that can ever happen to a 4 year old younger sister who never, ever does or gets anything first or better. Now I can pause to blog because the two girls are playing with doll dresses…. and I find myself happy and nostalgic in advance, wonder how much longer I can enjoy both of them still playing with dolls, dresses and each other…..a moment ago clear